Falling on my arse. Again.

I haven't fallen literally on my arse for at least two weeks (had a bit of an incident in the shower at Hotel KaznSteve, but it didn't even leave a bruise, so it's hardly worth mentioning), but I have well and truly fallen down in a metaphorical sense. Fallen down and scraped both knees, and even though I'm 40 years old, I feel like crying to Mum about it.

I came to this uni course full of confidence, straight from a job I felt I was good at, to do something that I was sure I would be great at. I felt that the stars and planets had all aligned to make my high school teaching ambitions come true, on the second time of trying. I was available, and – at QUT at least – qualified. I could get financial assistance from Centrelink (Austudy is more generous than Newstart, so it would marginally easier to survive without working). Friends and family all thought it was a great idea.

Then I started.

By the time I got over the physical shock of uni life I had fallen behind, and I am still behind. I start full-time prac on Monday, and I still have assignments to do. I've had to put them aside though, to prepare myself for prac, both physically (I'm exhausted) and logistically (I need to iron whichever work clothes still fit, and organise packed lunches), not to mention the lesson plans I need to write – for real lessons.

I am starting to think that I'm not going to make it through two of my units this semester. I've put in all the work for one unit, but the two English Curriculum units are still waiting for assignments, and I think I might have run out of time to get them in. I just couldn't catch up with the reading required to do the assignments properly. I can't work all day and all night any more, in the same way that I can't run any more. I can only keep going at the same place, and hope that the universe slows down around me (it hasn't).

I'm now considering the possibility of having to sign up for another semester, so I can re-do these units. Part of me wants to just be able to scrape through now, so I don't have to spend the extra time and money, but another part wants an opportunity to do a proper job of it. Re-starting could even give me an advantage, rather than a disadvantage. For once.

It won't be the first time I've had to start again, not by any means. In fact, I'm an old hand at the failing and trying again thing. This was getting me down, and I was berating myself for being such a loser, for racking up so many failures in my life, but then it suddenly occurred to me, in a rare moment of clarity, that I have actually managed to turn those failures around.

Whenever I've literally fallen over, I've always got myself back up. Sometimes I'm a little damaged, and often embarrassed, but, importantly, I did get back up. So far, when I have figuratively fallen over, I've also managed to get back up again, albeit similarly bruised and battered.

I had numerous goes at failing my A Levels, but ended up eventually passing enough to go to uni. I had to withdraw in my first year of uni, due to the onset of my hip problems, but I went back the next year. I had to abandon the Masters degree I started, but I have hopes of resuming it in the future. It took me two goes to pass my driving test.

It's taken me two attempts to get into a Dip Ed course (UQ didn't recognise my talents – or my single-subject UK degree), but here I now am. I've completed the hardest part - starting - so if I have to take another run at a couple of units, it's not the end of the world.

I may not always get things on the first attempt, but I keep trying.

Once the disappointment wears off, there is always something to be learned from a failed attempt at something, not least how much I wanted whatever it was. I could have walked away when my third go at taking A Levels went awry, but I went back again, and not only passed and continued on to uni, but met one of my best-ever friends. I'm a better driver for failing my first test. I enjoyed my degree more when I went back after that break, and worked harder at it, coming away with a BA(Hons).

Now, being faced with the option of giving up and walking away from this Dip Ed has only served to fuel my determination to keep going. I really, really want to do this. Beneath the rubble of my self-confidence is a little voice telling me not to give up. The stars didn't align for nothing. I haven't held this ambition for 24 years for nothing. So I've fallen on my arse again. I'll get up again, and perhaps I'll be an even better teacher for it.

Never give up! Never surrender! (Galaxy Quest)