Skip to main content

Insomnia.

I often struggle to get to sleep, and to stay asleep. Occasionally I can't sleep at all at night. There are various reasons for this: sometimes I'm in too much pain, sometimes it's too hot, sometimes I get restless legs, sometimes the neighbours are noisy and sometimes my cat decides he's hungry (or a combination of some or all of the above). Then there is the most common reason: my brain won't stop. And that's the most difficult one to fix. For other things I can take more painkillers, put on the fan, shut the window or feed the cat. I've still not found a way to turn my brain off!!

Tonight I'm thinking about why I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week, and I keep mentally composing an email to ask them why I was unsuccessful. "Dear Africa (that's her name), As I haven't heard from you since my interview, I am assuming I have not got the position. Are you able to offer me feedback as to why I was unsuccessful?" I'll send it in the morning, and perhaps I'll get an insight into why I didn't get a job I qualified for (I exceeded their requirements for spelling and typing) and had relevant experience for. Maybe it might help be do better in the future. Maybe!

I don't enjoy being unemployed, and my failure to find a job is starting to frustrate me, and to get me down. Why can't I get a job? I have qualifications AND experience! I am awesome at what I do! But I very rarely even get an interview, and as I do not mention my age or disability on my resume, I have to assume that my qualifications and experience are insufficient - even for basic admin roles. I feel I interview well, when given the chance, but that isn't working, either. Pffft.

However, I still don't regret quitting my previous job.

I'm also annoyed at myself for not making more use of this unexpectedly available time. I've often wished I had more time for knitting, creative writing, reading and so on. but now that I have time, I'm not doing much of it. It's been too hot to knit, lately, otherwise I would have been doing more of that, but I'm basically slobbing around at home, not doing anything except watching (mostly bad) telly, albeit in awesome pyjamas.

Funnily enough (at least, I think it's funny), my shrink tells me I'm being too hard on myself. It has been a particularly difficult few months, but while I'm still coming to terms with the major upheavals (leaving a job I was passionately devoted to, losing my Dad, issues with my health) and minor ones (such as not going to China and being told I'm fat by my Rheumatogolist (who persists in telling me that my disability is a lifestyle choice), and turning 40), I feel I should be doing more and being better.

The last few days have been better, and today was even quite a good day, so it's extra annoying that I'm not able to sleep. I'm thinking I should have taken a nap after all. Unlike normal people, I seem to sleep better at night if I nap during the day.

Anyway. I can't sleep, so what am I going to do? I hate to say it, but even facebook is palling (yes, I said it!!). Facebook is brilliant, and I love it, but it should be a highlight, a break, not the main feature. So I'm going to apply for some more jobs (It might be starting to feel futile, but it's a condition of being on the Dole! Joy!).

Good night!

Comments

  1. I sometimes have trouble turning my brain off, too. One thing I've found surprisingly helpful in getting to sleep is a white noise generator. Conveniently there are free apps for my iPod Touch that I use. Not sure why, but it does appear to help me drift off.

    However, if I wake up in the middle of the night with a racing brain, it's not so useful...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Understanding my physical challenges: An analogy

So, I've been trying to come up with a way to explain to a non-disabled person what it's like to face physical challenges at work, as a person with a disability. My current workplace is very physically demanding, even for me, a wheelchair user with long arms, full reach, abdominal muscle control and good balance. After 2.5 years of just getting on with it, despite the inaccessibility of large areas of my workplace, I'm at a point where I'm having to say, 'Enough. I can't do it any more.'. My employer is struggling to understand what's changed. Why is my workplace 'suddenly' inaccessible? What has changed with my health, to make my work so arduous for me now? Here's my analogy*: Imagine that you are looking for a job in the field you have just qualified for. A new employer says, if you move out to our location, we'll give you a permanent job. You just have to be able to carry 10kg. Cool, you think, I can do that. I'll uproot myself...

Why it's a good thing I'm not big on Christmas.

I've lost friend s over my personal views about “not doing” Christma s, but it's just as well that I'm not into Christmas in a big way, as I am totally skint at the moment, and can't even afford postage for Christmas cards. I'm hanging onto my home internet connection by the skin of my teeth, so may be able to send out a few virtual seasonal greetings, although I'll probably just tweet something (it shows up on facebook, too, you see). If I submitted to the social pressure of Christmas I would be feeling even worse than I already do about being so poor, and so far away from my family. I can't afford cards, or gifts, or festive food, or any kind of party or gathering*, and can really appreciate why this is such a difficult time of year for many people. Of course, I miss my family at this time of year, and if I had the money I would definitely travel to go and see them. If I had the money I would probably also send them gifts, because I love them a...

I don't want more painkillers, but maybe something different.

http://allthingsclipart.com I've had another attempt to discuss my pain management medication (Tramadol + anti-inflammatory) with the GP, and have come away with no solutions. The first time, with my regular GP, I asked for my pain meds to be reviewed, as I was finding that exercising in the gym was causing me too much pain, and that it was important for me to keep exercising, as I really need to lose weight and increase my fitness if I want to be able to work again and not end up with obesity-related illness(es). Her suggestion was that I start taking a weight-loss drug. However, as weight-loss medication is incompatible with my anti-depressant (where the main side-effect is weight-gain!!), she said I should talk to my psychiatrist about changing my anti-depressant. Apart from her having missed my point, I have no intention of changing my anti-depressant, as the last time I did that I got incredibly sick, and I'm still reeling from the fall-out from tha...