Insomnia.

I often struggle to get to sleep, and to stay asleep. Occasionally I can't sleep at all at night. There are various reasons for this: sometimes I'm in too much pain, sometimes it's too hot, sometimes I get restless legs, sometimes the neighbours are noisy and sometimes my cat decides he's hungry (or a combination of some or all of the above). Then there is the most common reason: my brain won't stop. And that's the most difficult one to fix. For other things I can take more painkillers, put on the fan, shut the window or feed the cat. I've still not found a way to turn my brain off!!

Tonight I'm thinking about why I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week, and I keep mentally composing an email to ask them why I was unsuccessful. "Dear Africa (that's her name), As I haven't heard from you since my interview, I am assuming I have not got the position. Are you able to offer me feedback as to why I was unsuccessful?" I'll send it in the morning, and perhaps I'll get an insight into why I didn't get a job I qualified for (I exceeded their requirements for spelling and typing) and had relevant experience for. Maybe it might help be do better in the future. Maybe!

I don't enjoy being unemployed, and my failure to find a job is starting to frustrate me, and to get me down. Why can't I get a job? I have qualifications AND experience! I am awesome at what I do! But I very rarely even get an interview, and as I do not mention my age or disability on my resume, I have to assume that my qualifications and experience are insufficient - even for basic admin roles. I feel I interview well, when given the chance, but that isn't working, either. Pffft.

However, I still don't regret quitting my previous job.

I'm also annoyed at myself for not making more use of this unexpectedly available time. I've often wished I had more time for knitting, creative writing, reading and so on. but now that I have time, I'm not doing much of it. It's been too hot to knit, lately, otherwise I would have been doing more of that, but I'm basically slobbing around at home, not doing anything except watching (mostly bad) telly, albeit in awesome pyjamas.

Funnily enough (at least, I think it's funny), my shrink tells me I'm being too hard on myself. It has been a particularly difficult few months, but while I'm still coming to terms with the major upheavals (leaving a job I was passionately devoted to, losing my Dad, issues with my health) and minor ones (such as not going to China and being told I'm fat by my Rheumatogolist (who persists in telling me that my disability is a lifestyle choice), and turning 40), I feel I should be doing more and being better.

The last few days have been better, and today was even quite a good day, so it's extra annoying that I'm not able to sleep. I'm thinking I should have taken a nap after all. Unlike normal people, I seem to sleep better at night if I nap during the day.

Anyway. I can't sleep, so what am I going to do? I hate to say it, but even facebook is palling (yes, I said it!!). Facebook is brilliant, and I love it, but it should be a highlight, a break, not the main feature. So I'm going to apply for some more jobs (It might be starting to feel futile, but it's a condition of being on the Dole! Joy!).

Good night!