Yesterday evening I received a cruel-to-be-kind phone call from my history lecturer, the ultimate gist of which was to say I have to stop procrastinating and get this assignment done, because she doesn't want to see me fail this semester. It was nice of her take the time, although she made it clear that she was very busy.
Although I have other issues going on at the moment, such as my wrist pain, other pain, and the difficulties I find in being an external student, the overarching issue I have with assignments is procrastination, a chronic avoidance of committing my ideas to paper. I do do lots of reading: books, articles, blogs, and, in this case, watch a lot of DVDs: documentary series and educational series on Ancient Rome (the topic of my imaginary History unit). Not only am I reading about historical content, but trying to get my head around historiography, and also reading about lesson planning and pedagogical theories for use in my lesson plans. I take a lot of notes, and would have even more notes if there were weekly lectures and tutorials to go to, but there aren't with an external course.
The problem I have is in transforming those notes and readings and viewings into a written assignment. I'll do almost anything - read another book, find another reference, plan another collaborative activity - rather than try to put words on paper. As with any creative writing I've been trying to in the last few years, I just can't seem to get my ideas down on paper without losing all sense of what I'm trying to say. And then even though I've done heaps of reading, I never seem to have the right supporting reference, so go off and try and find something that's more useful than what I already have in my piles and piles of notes.
Because I'm so easily distracted at home (I never do more housework than when I have an assignment to urgently finish), I will take myself into the library to do work, but there I can spend ages finding new books to read, and photocopying relevant chapters, and then when I'm too tired or sore to stay any longer, I tell myself that I'll work on my assignment when I get home...
It's not like this particular assignment is particularly difficult. It's just for annotated lesson plans, with each lesson requiring a note on historiography, pedagogy and curriculum. I have been struggling with historiography, as it's a new concept – a new word – for me. Just this week I found some useful articles that I can use on my assignment, but until now I didn't feel I had anything to include. I just can't seem to get down to it, and get on with it. I write a few words - which is like pulling teeth - and then go off and read something else, or look up a reference.....
I have procrastinated myself to the point of failing the unit. Now time is running out, as the end of semester is approaching, and lecturers have to submit grades and stuff at the end of semester, so my lecturer can't keep the door open for me indefinitely.
But feeling the urgency of the situation doesn't remove the panic I feel when I try to sit down to do more work on the assignment. Whenever I look at what I have written, I find that it's all such rubbish that I have the urge to delete it all and to try starting again - except that it's been so painful to get this far I can't; at least it's something. So far during this course I've not submitted an assignment that I have been happy with. I've hated every piece of work I've ever done, and the only pieces of work I've had in on time have been group pieces - which I've also hated.
I'm not stupid. I can talk intelligently and coherently about what my assignment should be, and should contain, but I just can't write it.
My lecturer suggested that being home all the time should make it easy to produce my assignment (ie, what the hell have I been doing?!), but I've found this external semester stultifying, and the less I've had scheduled to do, the less I've actually got done. It doesn't help that I came into this external semester from my seven-month hiatus from uni, having been excluded last semester, so I was already floundering around without any routine or structure.
The less I have to do, the less I get done. I'm much more productive when I am busy, and I didn't have this much trouble in previous semesters, when I was on campus, attending classes and lecturers and catching up with other students from my units. I was exhausted, yes, but I would ride the momentum of my classes and work on assignments afterwards. I still procrastinated, and still found writing assignments difficult, but I had regular contact with lecturers and other students to talk it over with, and that made a huge difference.
If I can't get this done this semester, not only will it have bene a huge waste of time, but it means I'll have to add another semester – yet another semester – to be to complete the course.
I have to get over this procrastination thing, and find some self-discipline, so I can get through this course, and get back to working and being busy again.
Although I have other issues going on at the moment, such as my wrist pain, other pain, and the difficulties I find in being an external student, the overarching issue I have with assignments is procrastination, a chronic avoidance of committing my ideas to paper. I do do lots of reading: books, articles, blogs, and, in this case, watch a lot of DVDs: documentary series and educational series on Ancient Rome (the topic of my imaginary History unit). Not only am I reading about historical content, but trying to get my head around historiography, and also reading about lesson planning and pedagogical theories for use in my lesson plans. I take a lot of notes, and would have even more notes if there were weekly lectures and tutorials to go to, but there aren't with an external course.
The problem I have is in transforming those notes and readings and viewings into a written assignment. I'll do almost anything - read another book, find another reference, plan another collaborative activity - rather than try to put words on paper. As with any creative writing I've been trying to in the last few years, I just can't seem to get my ideas down on paper without losing all sense of what I'm trying to say. And then even though I've done heaps of reading, I never seem to have the right supporting reference, so go off and try and find something that's more useful than what I already have in my piles and piles of notes.
Because I'm so easily distracted at home (I never do more housework than when I have an assignment to urgently finish), I will take myself into the library to do work, but there I can spend ages finding new books to read, and photocopying relevant chapters, and then when I'm too tired or sore to stay any longer, I tell myself that I'll work on my assignment when I get home...
It's not like this particular assignment is particularly difficult. It's just for annotated lesson plans, with each lesson requiring a note on historiography, pedagogy and curriculum. I have been struggling with historiography, as it's a new concept – a new word – for me. Just this week I found some useful articles that I can use on my assignment, but until now I didn't feel I had anything to include. I just can't seem to get down to it, and get on with it. I write a few words - which is like pulling teeth - and then go off and read something else, or look up a reference.....
I have procrastinated myself to the point of failing the unit. Now time is running out, as the end of semester is approaching, and lecturers have to submit grades and stuff at the end of semester, so my lecturer can't keep the door open for me indefinitely.
But feeling the urgency of the situation doesn't remove the panic I feel when I try to sit down to do more work on the assignment. Whenever I look at what I have written, I find that it's all such rubbish that I have the urge to delete it all and to try starting again - except that it's been so painful to get this far I can't; at least it's something. So far during this course I've not submitted an assignment that I have been happy with. I've hated every piece of work I've ever done, and the only pieces of work I've had in on time have been group pieces - which I've also hated.
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| http://davewalkercartoons.com/procrastination/ |
I'm not stupid. I can talk intelligently and coherently about what my assignment should be, and should contain, but I just can't write it.
My lecturer suggested that being home all the time should make it easy to produce my assignment (ie, what the hell have I been doing?!), but I've found this external semester stultifying, and the less I've had scheduled to do, the less I've actually got done. It doesn't help that I came into this external semester from my seven-month hiatus from uni, having been excluded last semester, so I was already floundering around without any routine or structure.
The less I have to do, the less I get done. I'm much more productive when I am busy, and I didn't have this much trouble in previous semesters, when I was on campus, attending classes and lecturers and catching up with other students from my units. I was exhausted, yes, but I would ride the momentum of my classes and work on assignments afterwards. I still procrastinated, and still found writing assignments difficult, but I had regular contact with lecturers and other students to talk it over with, and that made a huge difference.
If I can't get this done this semester, not only will it have bene a huge waste of time, but it means I'll have to add another semester – yet another semester – to be to complete the course.
I have to get over this procrastination thing, and find some self-discipline, so I can get through this course, and get back to working and being busy again.
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