I want to thank everyone who has been supporting me through my recent disappointment. However, while I am still devastated to be excluded (ie expelled) from QUT, and am working on being reinstated, I refuse to be brought down by it.
Just before all this happened (I got the email telling me that the uni had dismissed my appeal against exclusion last Friday morning, 17th August), I was writing a blog post about how well I was doing lately. It was about the 5 signs that show that my mental health* is greatly improved.:
1. I take care of my health. Whereas I have long been concerned about my weight, I am lately more concerned about my health, which is quite a different thing. I have been cooking for myself, rather than eating ready meals, or junk food, and have been feeling better for it. I have also recently given up soft drinks, of all kinds, including cordial, although I did get some cordial to see me through my recent cold, as water tasted like snot!
I can't emphasise enough how important good nutrition is for good mental health. It's also extremely good for physical health, which ensures that I have the energy I need to keep on cooking good meals for myself, but I have proven to myself that my mental health relies heavily on good nutrition.
I have also been much more consistent with my dental hygiene, flossing and rinsing every day (except for the one night I ran out of floss), rather than just sporadically. When I'm in a really bad way, I can even go without brushing my teeth. Heart disease in rife in my Dad's side of the family, so I need to do everything I can to minimise my own risk of dying of a heart attack at a young age. I have recently taken to planning my future, which is novel for me, and involves living for quite a lot longer.
2. I reconnect with people I've lost touch with. When I'm feeling low, I lose all my confidence, and find it hard to believe that anyone would want to spend any time with me. I also won't take the risk of being rejected after I put myself forward. However, I am much more resilient now, and so can reach out to people, and be more philosophical if it turns out they don't have space for me in their life anymore. So far, though, everyone I've contacted has got back to me, which is not only gratifying, but I get to be involved in the lives of people I really, really like.
3. I'll use the phone! I don't know why calling people should feel like such a difficult thing, but sometimes it just really is. But I've been able to call people I need to speak to, and even some people I want to speak to! "Using the phone" also includes answering the phone. When I'm really low - or so tired I can't move - I won't answer the phone; it's too hard. The only time I let the phone ring out now is if I'm trapped under an animal and can't extricate myself in time.
4. I blog and journal. I have been working on two blog posts over the past two weeks. This one, and one where I was wondering if the difficulties I was having with my studies was a test from the universe, or a message that I was on the wrong track. Ha ha.
The big gaps in my journalling, whether public or private, usually represent periods of great difficulty, of one type or another. It doesn't necessarily mean that everything's going fine when I do blog, just that I can handle it better, and I am able to share it with friends and family.
5. I write. This is the hardest thing to do when I am not feeling good within myself. I am highly self-critical, and lose confidence very easily. I think I am in a much more objective frame of mind at the moment, so can perhaps see my way around my drafts a bit better, without wanting to just shred everything I've ever committed to paper.
I will have quite a lot of time to write over the next few months, as the earliest I can get back into uni is next January. There's a good chance I'll be able to get all the way through NaNoWriMo this year, unless I end up working again by then.
I have to give my psychiatrist a lot of the credit for this improvement, as well as my fabulous friends and family.
So, although I've just had a devastating blow, and I was initially stunned and reeled a bit, I have mostly gained my equalibrium, and refuse to lose the ground I have worked so hard to make up recently. Thanks also to all the support I've had from friends and family, I have been able to see the opportunities and advantages hidden amongst the heartbreak, and will do my best to make the most of it.
What I won't be doing is sitting in a heap, being a blob, and not doing anything with myself. I may be forced to take things easy while my back problem get sorted out (I'm still struggling from when I herniated my disc), I will doing everything I can to be productive and useful. Even if this takes the form of knitting a world record-breaking number of beanies!
*I don't know if it's a surprise to anyone, but I have been struggling with depression for the best part of the last 10 years.
Just before all this happened (I got the email telling me that the uni had dismissed my appeal against exclusion last Friday morning, 17th August), I was writing a blog post about how well I was doing lately. It was about the 5 signs that show that my mental health* is greatly improved.:
1. I take care of my health. Whereas I have long been concerned about my weight, I am lately more concerned about my health, which is quite a different thing. I have been cooking for myself, rather than eating ready meals, or junk food, and have been feeling better for it. I have also recently given up soft drinks, of all kinds, including cordial, although I did get some cordial to see me through my recent cold, as water tasted like snot!
I can't emphasise enough how important good nutrition is for good mental health. It's also extremely good for physical health, which ensures that I have the energy I need to keep on cooking good meals for myself, but I have proven to myself that my mental health relies heavily on good nutrition.
I have also been much more consistent with my dental hygiene, flossing and rinsing every day (except for the one night I ran out of floss), rather than just sporadically. When I'm in a really bad way, I can even go without brushing my teeth. Heart disease in rife in my Dad's side of the family, so I need to do everything I can to minimise my own risk of dying of a heart attack at a young age. I have recently taken to planning my future, which is novel for me, and involves living for quite a lot longer.
2. I reconnect with people I've lost touch with. When I'm feeling low, I lose all my confidence, and find it hard to believe that anyone would want to spend any time with me. I also won't take the risk of being rejected after I put myself forward. However, I am much more resilient now, and so can reach out to people, and be more philosophical if it turns out they don't have space for me in their life anymore. So far, though, everyone I've contacted has got back to me, which is not only gratifying, but I get to be involved in the lives of people I really, really like.
3. I'll use the phone! I don't know why calling people should feel like such a difficult thing, but sometimes it just really is. But I've been able to call people I need to speak to, and even some people I want to speak to! "Using the phone" also includes answering the phone. When I'm really low - or so tired I can't move - I won't answer the phone; it's too hard. The only time I let the phone ring out now is if I'm trapped under an animal and can't extricate myself in time.
4. I blog and journal. I have been working on two blog posts over the past two weeks. This one, and one where I was wondering if the difficulties I was having with my studies was a test from the universe, or a message that I was on the wrong track. Ha ha.
The big gaps in my journalling, whether public or private, usually represent periods of great difficulty, of one type or another. It doesn't necessarily mean that everything's going fine when I do blog, just that I can handle it better, and I am able to share it with friends and family.
5. I write. This is the hardest thing to do when I am not feeling good within myself. I am highly self-critical, and lose confidence very easily. I think I am in a much more objective frame of mind at the moment, so can perhaps see my way around my drafts a bit better, without wanting to just shred everything I've ever committed to paper.
I will have quite a lot of time to write over the next few months, as the earliest I can get back into uni is next January. There's a good chance I'll be able to get all the way through NaNoWriMo this year, unless I end up working again by then.
I have to give my psychiatrist a lot of the credit for this improvement, as well as my fabulous friends and family.
So, although I've just had a devastating blow, and I was initially stunned and reeled a bit, I have mostly gained my equalibrium, and refuse to lose the ground I have worked so hard to make up recently. Thanks also to all the support I've had from friends and family, I have been able to see the opportunities and advantages hidden amongst the heartbreak, and will do my best to make the most of it.
What I won't be doing is sitting in a heap, being a blob, and not doing anything with myself. I may be forced to take things easy while my back problem get sorted out (I'm still struggling from when I herniated my disc), I will doing everything I can to be productive and useful. Even if this takes the form of knitting a world record-breaking number of beanies!*I don't know if it's a surprise to anyone, but I have been struggling with depression for the best part of the last 10 years.
As a fellow sufferer I can really relate to what you've been going through, Kate. We've just suffered another enormous setback, in losing our main source on income and I've been reeling too.
ReplyDeleteI know all about not wanting to use the phone and all about shredding everything you write because you've just lost all confidence - and why would anyone want to read my rantings anyway???
Even though we've never met, I'd be happy to join your support network as one who really understands and shares what you are going through. Perhaps we could help each other.
Thank you Lyn, that's lovely. It really does make a difference when someone has a similar experience.
ReplyDeleteHow smart of Betty to put us together on facebook!!